I have been struggling. In life, but more importantly, as a mother. I know that they say being a parent is the hardest job you will ever have; I just never dreamed that it would be so disappointing. I say this about me, most definitely NOT about my kids. They are amazing and I love them more than I could possibly put into words. Which is why I feel like they deserve a better mother. I am disappointed that I struggle so hard for what feels like days at a time. I am disappointed that I cannot be everything I thought I would be as a mother. Priorities change from your time before children, to your “Crap I have children” days. Maybe you once vowed your children would have a set schedule, maybe you said you’d never feed them fast-food, or would limit TV to thirty minutes a day. Then the kids come, and that thirty minutes is laughable if you plan on getting anything done.
I am not saying that I feel like I am an awful mom, just that I struggle to be the best mom that they deserve. I like to think that the Mother recognizes how hard I try, that I show my children unconditional love. I know that she understands we all have our breaking point, I just pray that my children never have to witness mine.
There are days that my patience is short, that the slightest thing makes me want to yell or breakdown. There are days that I am so tired I have to fight to stay awake. I know that my children pick up on these days. I know that they realize mommy is not her usually goofy self. I actually find comfort that they do not view those days as their norm. I have the Mother to thank for that. There’s only so much we can learn from our parents that will help us when we become parents. Each kid is different, each home has different circumstances and issues. I pray to the Mother to recognize our circumstances and issues. I hope that the Mother looks after my children in ways I cannot.
Life is hard. And sometimes, no matter what we do, life remains hard. I am thankful that I have someone to pray to. Someone I can trust to look after my family when I struggle. As the Mother, she has all of us as her children. She watches over us and protects us. She is the only life jacket for those mothers who struggle. I struggle due to mental illness, though I don’t know why I have to be so ill, I do have confidence in knowing that I will succeed. I may suffer, but that pain will only make me stronger than I would be without it. She gave me children to nurture, as she nurtures us, and it is that knowledge that is sometimes the only thing that can get me through the day. The knowledge that I wouldn’t have been given this illness or these vibrant and strong daughters if she knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
I have three beautiful girls who need a strong female figure to show them how special they are. I want to be that figure. And I feel, that I must lean on the strong women in my life, and our Mother, in order to be that figure. Being strong is impossibly hard, the key, is to remember you are not alone in the fight.
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